Slightly intimidated, but not defeated…

In a nutshell, we might have to go back to more med for J, but right now it’s wait-and-see.  I asked the doctor to let me ride the next four weeks and observe assiduously while taking detailed notes. I am sure, I told him, that we can work through this…

He said he trusts me.  That sort of scares me.  Either I am delusional and he is playing along to keep me calm, or HE is delusional and I am putting my faith in the wrong place.  Judging by how well J behaved today at what I expected to be a disastrous appointment, we might both be on the right track with this issue.

The truth is that I think I’ve been lazy.  Or maybe the word I’m looking for is complacent…I’m not sure at this point.  Maybe I’ve been both.  That’s the one drawback about stability and progress: we tend to rest on our laurels even as we say we’re not doing that.  I might have made a cushier nest of laurels than I originally intended…my bad!

This is the plan right now: we’re doing the TV room in what HGTV designers might call sensory-room feng-shui chic.  That is: the ball pit (of sorts) is going in, and the lighting is getting re-designed, and I’m mounting the TV and re-doing his shelving system.  The weighted blanket is a go.  Surround sound will be in place soon.  The purpose is to give him everything he probably wants (because he loves all these things) and we’ve been too dense to provide him with because (get this) we think he’s “too old” for that stuff.  He isn’t.  Just like he’s not too old for Dora the Explorer, Madeline and Disney Princesses, he’s not too old for a ball pit because I’d want one if I could get away with having it in my room.

His bedroom we will work on together.  Tomorrow (because it’s going to rain) we’re going to re-organize everything.  I am going to put a canopy over his bed, and I think this will go a long way to soothing him because he has always loved hiding in dark walk-in closets when he’s anxious.  If he wants a heavier bedspread, more pillows, we’ll get that squared away this weekend.  Because I know he loves his boxing gloves while still loving the freedom provided by not carrying them around, they are staying in his room, prominently displayed on his bed.  As I’ve done in the past, I’m going to make sure we have any type of wrist support he might think he needs at any given moment.

Yoga is another thing we’re doing.  We are trying anything and everything because J balks at first, but is game for it soon thereafter.  We’re trying it all.  We’re immersing ourselves in not going back on more med if we can help it, and it may be the stupidest, most ridiculously hopeful thing we’ve done in a long time, but we’re committed.

And scared…

We are scared…

Of course we are scared.  We’ve heard the growl and seen the SIB twice in two weeks.  We are, for the first time in five years, actually flummoxed about J’s behavior.  He was, as the doctor said today “SO stable…”

All we can do is plan, and go through a whole trial-and-error thing.  We might crash and burn spectacularly, but we’re not going down without trying to pull the nose up.  We’re trying in every possible, reasonable (ok, there might be some unreasonable tactics in there, but that’s why we’re creative people, right????) way to turn this thing around and put J in his “good” place.  Not necessarily his “happy” place because “happy” can be deceptive, but a good place…one that is conducive to what he needs to do and be.

That’s all I’ve got right now.  Well…and lists…lots of lists and notes.

Onwards, upwards…or something like it…

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